Recently I shared a post on instagram sharing how I felt growing up in a family of STRONG WOMEN most of who were the head of the household and the effect it had on me. In my post I shared how all of my life I knew that is exactly what I did not want but when I had my son that is exactly what I ended up doing.
This for me was the biggest failure. NOT BECAUSE MOMS who CHOOSE to work are failures but because I did not want to do that and had let go of MY dream and settled for what I said I ALWAYS did not want NOR BELIEVED worked FOR ME!!!. I'm emphasizing this because people be taking things very personally and the only person I be talking about is MYSELF.
You see it took a lot for me to own up to the fact that it wasn't nobody's fault but mine that I was not living the life I had always planned. It was my fault and nobody else. For the 29 years prior to me having my son I was running my big mouth about God, marriage, and motherhood; so why was my life not reflecting that AT ALL.
For starters I was so unhappy in my marriage, I resented my blessing of a child and I had quit my job, MY GOOD PAYING JOB.
That was the humiliating part about all of it. I mean I was bragging and talking big shit yall prior to having my son. And while I tried to maintain my stance, miserable and pregnant those closest to me knew my pain. They felt my pain. I ultimate felt like I was shitting on God, making the holiest of God's unions a disdain to onlookers and spitting in God's face when I finally became a mother.
The first step to my humbling process was not losing but quitting my job. It was willing putting myself in a position to trust that what I had said all those years was true, if not for everyone else than for damn sure me! You see my stance has always been IDK how (or why) a woman works outside of her home? I feel like your home and children should come first and when you work for somebody else, especially somewhere else they usually get your best hours and it's beyond exhausting trying to run your home on their leftovers. Basically I believe that home comes first and if that ain't on point you don't have time for anything else.
The next part of the humbling process was in a year of being home I was officially broke, thus a financial burden to my son's father (a big no no in my book) and my home was NOT IN EXCELLENCE.
So WTF was ya girl doing wrong? Once again I was leaning on my own understanding and trusting in myself. I did what I always do when God hedges me in I prayed and sought God's face in God's Word
Here is what I learned
The Virtuous Women in Proverbs 31 WORKED FROM HOME! She aint stay at home and do nothing. This may seem obvious to some of yall but I had completely missed that ish for 30 years so I'm sharing it because that was a doosing. I just knew a n!gga was gonna take care of me financially for the rest of my life.
The woman had help - maidens and servants. This still didn't stop her from WORKING.
There I was 30 something, no job, with a kid, unsuccessful home & marriage. I know things could be 'worse' but this was bad enough for me. I put on my big girl panties and thanks to a few of those STRONG WOMEN I hustled up and doubled down. Not to stack paper - though that came too but on myself, on my son, on the vision, and ON GOD.
I trusted. I believed. That everything God had shown me in those innocent years I could still achieve. That I was more prepared due to my humiliation than I could have ever been in my arrogance.
For one I ceased competition with everyone and made a vow that I only women I fucked with women who were about collaboration! Next it was authenticity at all cost... I apologized to my son's father for making exceptions for shit i knew I could not live with forever and allowing my emotions to hold us back for years. I apologized to myself for settling for what I did not want and made a vow to go get it at all cost because God gave it to me. Lastly I vowed to move forward with my life as a healer and operate @nevashame a faith based group for women where we are focused on healing ourselves, our homes thus our communities and the world.
I pray wherever you are in your journey you keep moving forward even if that means turning around